Shayna and The Boys (Alex and Jakob)

I had some things on my mind tonight and I know that not many people read my blog much so I figured this was a good way for me to put my thoughts down somewhere without having to worry about everyone judging me.

As most everyone knows, I lost Jakob on March 3, 2006. I think about him all the time still and I still miss him greatly. I have Alex of course, but that would never replace my first baby boy. I wonder all the time what he would be doing if he were here. I wonder if he'd be a good big brother to Alex. I wonder if he'd like the same types of things Alex does, like tools and cars and trucks, and books and Elmo. I wonder if he would be tall and skinny like Alex is, or if he'd be shorter and chubbier. I just wish that I didn't have to lose him. I wish that I could give him big hugs like I do with Alex. I wish that I could hold him at night and make the bad dreams go away. I get frustrated with Alex at times, but then I have to tell myself that I should just be grateful to have such a miracle in my life. I shouldn't get upset or frustrated with Alex. Sometimes I think that losing Jakob may have made me a better mom for just that reason. Because I can look at myself and tell myself that I can't take my son for granted, I can't get upset with him because I have to give him every bit of love I can. Life is too short for him to ever think that I'm unhappy with him.

This leads me to my sister, Kelly. She was 31 weeks pregnant when she found out that her son's heart had stopped beating. The Dr's don't know why or what happened. They had her deliver and baby James was born on May 24th, 2009 at 7:10 pm (I think.) She would have been such a wonderful mom to him. She was changing so many things in her life to be able to provide a good life for him. She was becoming a happier person... and that was all taken away from her, without a single reason.

Next is Mandi. She lost her first son also. His name was Brendon and he was born in September of 2004 (Sorry Mandi, I can't remember the exact date, I'm probably even wrong on the year! :( They don't know why she lost him, he was only 21 weeks, like Jakob. I know they say things happen for a reason and the only reason I can come up with for Mandi and I both losing babies, is that it brought me one of the most wonderful friends I could have ever asked for. If we lived in the same city, or even the same state, we would probably be the kind of friends that people see one and say "Where's your twin?" She is a beautiful person, inside and out, and an amazing friend. She had her second son Mason, in 2005. He is healthy for the most part, except he has asthma. She is now pregnant with her third son, Braxton. He will be born in September, (if he cooperates and stays where he's supposed to until then) and sadly, he has a heart defect and Down Syndrome.

After all of this I have to ask, why do these things happen to people? My sister and my friend are such great people (and I like to think the same about myself). They are both good with kids, both hard workers in everything they do in life, they both do what they can to be there for others. These are the kind of people who lose babies??? I know so many people out there whose lives revolve around drugs, or don't want to work for a living to take care of themselves and their families, or don't care about their children, or who BEAT their chilren and yes I've even known someone who killed his child. Yet, those are the people who get to keep their children, they get healthy chilren, they get to have more and more children. None of this makes sense to me. I feel that people who work their asses off to better themselves or to make a good life for their children, should be the ones who get to have healthy, LIVING babies. The people who are too selfish to realize that they are taking care of not only themselves, but a small, helpless little child, they shouldn't be allowed to have children.

I know that I'll never have answers to any of my questions, but like I said I felt that I needed to put my thoughts down. I feel like this sometimes helps me. Sorry for the rant, for anyone who reads this...